私の夢の谷

Love or Romance

2006-10-27T22:50:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I received an email from a friend of mine who lived abroad. She has this fondness to forward emails about family values, women’s plight, child abuses and the nice chaotic environment our brothers managed to land in. Here is part of her email, truncated:

“Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion". I still think those words changed my life. Now I read more and clean less. I sit on the porch without worrying about anything. I spend more time with my family, and less at work. I use crystal glasses every day... I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket if I feel like it. I don't save my special perfume for special occasion; I use it whenever I want to. The words "Someday..." and "One Day..." are fading away from my dictionary. If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen, or do it now. I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she wouldn't be there the next morning, this nobody can tell. I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends.

Now, for us ordinary people, our reaction would be to head our pointer towards the “Forward” button and pressed home. I was not exceptional. I was halfway forwarding the email when something hit me inside my head. Was I programmed to forward these simple facts of life that by right should be imbued in everyone? It struck me how we inadvertently created this surplus dependency to be reminded of such sensible, day-to-day values. Why do we need other people to tap in our memory the most important thing in life – Life itself? It is by circulating these email, it renders us completion as human being.

This launched me to a few hours of what I always fondly refer to as my mental rumination. I was in fact, in a deep, pensive mood myself that stemmed from this agitated necessity to reevaluate life – or rather my life as a whole. I had just ended ten years of infatuation with a certain someone and had been quite discouraged to participate in any social functions – read: staying home, weeping, talking to my cats, staying up late just staring at the ceiling and wondering why on earth I feel so wretched. I should feel liberated; I can move on. I can finally put a stop to the restiveness that plagued me for years. I found solace in thinking.

What did I see in him? It began in an early morning rush to lecture hall when I stumbled upon a young man playing basketball. It was not his physical attributes that attracted me; it was his psyche – some strange vibes that I picked up from him. That fascination changed into something deeper and lasted for years. It was, as I assumed, what people would call as soul-mate; the way we are able to delve deep into each others heart and put whatever demon causing chaos there at rest. I had deep love for this basketball boy and I was ever hoping that it would bud into romance. It never happens. I realized, after all these years, what I have been feeling was not love in the true sense of love. Before I instigate into my own private mental cud-chewing outlook on love, let’s get to the basic. What is love? What is romance?

According to the Cambridge Advanced Learner’s Dictionary, love can be defined as (v) to have strong feelings of affection for another adult and be romantically and sexually attracted to them, or to feel great affection for a friend or person in your family; or (n) strong feelings of attraction towards, and affection for, another adult, or great affection for a friend or family member. Romance, on the other hand, is defined as (n) a close, usually short relationship of love between two people’ or (n) a love story.

From my understanding, after several days of researching and numerous conversations with quite a few people, I concluded that romance is a concept based on love or the circumstances of love; whilst love is an attitude, an aptitude, an outlook of life, a quality of being. While romance is what we mostly encounter in movies, songs and books, and most of us fondly refer to when we are in a relationship(s), love is the essence that gives sustenance to romance. Without love, romance is nothing. A friend of mine cited romance is a gift that can be a curse if it is not considered within the realms of reality. How many of us women dreamt of being swept off of our feet by our knight in shining armor (admit it, you suckers!)? What with that sigh when someone mentioned Brad Pitt or Tom Welling, or Clark Gable for older generations? Don’t we want to be in love with someone like that? I suppose its elusiveness explains its allures and the fascination with it.

I grew up with Mills & Boon, the Clayborne brothers of Julie Garwood, Jude Devereaux, Eternal Flame, Madonna, Against All Odds, Blue Lagoon… romance was everywhere I read, heard or looked. Understandably this would explain why most people are misled to believe the notion that romance is in actuality love. Romance is love and love is romance. Tut-tut. Wrong. It took me close to seven years to finally apprehend that to love is to be free from personal gratification we sought whenever we embarked in a relationship. We were deceived into believing the love shown in movies, or heard in a song, was true love. Love is about being able to open your heart for the sorrow and joy of being human, and when its time to let go, we would do so with honor and dignity, and continue living. Love is never selfish. It is not about what we will gain or how we want to be loved. It is about how we want to love others minus expecting anything in return. It enables us to see all the goods in someone and at the same time aware of the bads. Love is limitless, alive and freeing.

Romance, I found, is too clingy. We can not live without the person that we love (or thought we love), we are drunk with their presence, and we are obsessed to please them. And when the romance sizzled out, we lamented the lack of sunlight in our life (by means their presence is the source of light to the otherwise dismal life we are doomed to have); we refused ourselves the joy of companionship, of being happy, of being alive. We felt bereft of humanity without the others. We became lesser creation of God when the relationship ended. Life is less lovable when romance dies. Do we actually choose to let this to happen and doom ourselves to a lifetime of flourishing pain, feed with memories of what had been and what could and should have been? All these ‘ifs’, should have and could have – do we really need them in our life? You hold the answer

Nonetheless, I do not scorn those who idolized romance and sworn by it. Those who have romance in abundance and still maintain their sobriety are indeed lucky. But those who, like me, either lost it, could only dreamt of it or just don’t know what romance is, are neither lesser loved nor less equipped to love and to be loved. We must see that while romance inspires, love endures. As a friend pointed out, romance is just like a lavish meal of foie gras and caviar. It gives you a different sense of fulfillment which humble rice cannot, but it is the rice that will keep us full day in – day out..

As my insight tapped me into reality, I could see that I had also fallen victim to this concept of love. This infectious idea called romance. I believed that what I felt towards this boy was true love and the pain that I am suffering now, per se verifies that love. On the hindsight, are these pains necessary to assure one that it is love that one is feeling? Quite the contrary, I found pain very cumbersome. It hinders me from what little joy there is to experience and share in this world. It clouds my vision to what important to me – Life. My family. It rejects me as a loving person and it belittles my ability to love without having a loving relationship. It fosters hatred to everything lovable in this world. They said love and hatred are two opposite face of the same coin. How then to make love whole, and keeping hate at bay, not totally annihilate? Reject hate. Hatred consumes us like a disease that will turn minutes into hours. We will be entrapped in time as cycles of love and hatred encircle us. Our heart can not be free of the past. Only after we are able to deny hate do we are able to be free from time, and therefore the past. It can not enslave us once we have the understanding to denounce hate and embrace the truth of human flaws – our own imperfection. Only then we can be free of pain.

As understanding begins to simmer, it sends delicious warm sensation all over me and I can feel emancipation flows from within. Though it still laced with the ever-familiar pain of heartbreak, I find it strangely soothing. Like the feeling of my mother’s arm wrapping around me and with gentle voice, telling me that the boogieman is gone.

~ Bea Maria ~

Letting Go of Unavailable People - By Robert Burney

2006-10-27T22:47:00.001+08:00

--- i guess this is what i need to do :( ----

"In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then - as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation - we lower the drawbridge and invite them in. We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones who will "push our buttons."
This happens because those people feel familiar. Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most - were the most familiar - hurt us the most. So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust ourselves or other people .

Once we begin healing we can see that the Truth is that it is not safe to trust as long as we are reacting out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of our childhoods. Once we start Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual level these repeating behavior patterns are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds."

"I spent most of my life being the victim of my own thoughts, my own emotions, my own behaviors. I was consistently picking untrustworthy people to trust and unavailable people to love. I could not trust my own emotions because I was incapable of being honest with myself emotionally - which made me incapable of Truly being honest on any level."

(All quotes in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)
Codependency is an incredibly insidious, treacherous dis-ease. It is a compulsively reactive condition in which our ego programming from childhood dictates how we live our lives today. As long as we are not in recovery from our codependency, we are powerless to make clear choices in discerning rather someone we are attracted to is a available for a healthy relationship - we are in fact, doomed to keep repeating patterns.

Emotionally we are drawn to people who feel familiar on an energetic level. That is, people who, on an emotional vibrational level, resonate with us as being familiar. It feels to us as if we have a strong connection to those people. In other words, we have an inner radar system that causes us to be attracted to people who resonate vibrationally in a way that is familiar on an emotionally intimate level. We are attracted to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our most powerful and earliest experience of emotional intimacy and love - our parents.

No matter how much we are making an effort on a conscious level to not pick anyone like our parents, energetically we feel a strong attraction to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our first experience of love. It was very important for me to get aware of the reality that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate, I had better watch out. Those are exactly the people who will fit my patterns - recreate my wounding.

It was very important for me to recognize the power of this type of attraction. And also to realize, that on a Spiritual level, these people were teachers who were in my life to help me get in touch with my childhood wounds. It was vital for me to start being aware that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate it did not mean we were going to live happily ever after. What it meant was that I was being given another wonderful, and painful, opportunity for growth.

Becoming conscious of these emotional energetic dynamics was a very important part of owning my power. My power to make choices, to accept consequences, to take responsibility for my choices and consequences - and to not buy into the belief that I was being victimized by the other person, or my own defectiveness.

Recognizing unavailability in the other person does not mean that I have to let go of the relationship - at least not immediately, it could be something I will decide to do eventually.

What is so important, is to let go of focusing on that person as the cause of, or solution to, my problems. As long as we are focusing on the other person and buying into the illusion that if we just: work a little harder; lose some more weight; make some more money; do and/or say the right things; whatever; that person will change and be everything we want them to be.

Codependents focus on others to keep from looking at self. We need to let go of focusing on the other person and start focusing inside to understand what is happening. Our adult patterns, the people we have been in relationship with, are symptoms - effects of our childhood wounding. We cannot solve a problem without looking at the cause. Focusing on symptoms (which our society is famous for: war on drugs; war on poverty: etc.) will not heal the cause.

The reason that we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we are unavailable. We are attracted to people who feel familiar because on some level we are still trying to prove our worth by earning the Love and respect of our unavailable parents. We think we are going to rescue the other person which will prove our worth - or that we need them to rescue us because of our lack of worth. The princess will kiss me and turn me from a frog into a prince, the prince will rescue me and take me to live in the castle, syndrome.

We need to own our own worth - our own "Prince or Princess" ness - before we can be available for a healthy relationship with some one who has owned their own worth.

It is not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating, and being unavailable, to them self. We need to let go of that delusion. We need to focus on healing our self - on understanding and healing the emotional wounds that have driven us to pick people who could not give us what we want emotionally. We need to develop some healthy emotional intimacy with ourselves before we are capable of being available for a healthy relationships with someone who is also available.

The Journey of Letting Go

2006-10-27T22:31:00.000+08:00

of late, i have been disturbed by Grey's apparitions.. its like an old movie playing in my head.. with the whirrring sounds of the film reel very much remind me that it has been almost 10 years since that morning.. sigh..

is it too much to ask to forget, dear Lord???

Children arent pets u can give up to SPCA!

2006-10-27T22:05:00.000+08:00

http://miassavinggrace.blogspot.com/2006/02/finding-closure.html

My goal here is to find a way to invent closure and apply it to a situation that was never resolved for me. How do you close something that has never been opened?

I have waited around for almost six years, hoping my birthfamily might have a change of heart and want to meet, or perhaps dare I say it, get to know me. I feel like the Elephant Man (or woman in this case) screaming "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!" How pathetic.

--------------

Coincidently this morning Zaki the IT kid told me of a tragic and sad story of her neighbours. You see.. this woman was a divorcee with 2 kids. then she met a guy - another divorcee with 2 kids *oh what a match! u might say * - fell in love and got married. u might think they will sail away to the horizon, living hapily ever after. dude, thts only happen in fairy tales - and even fairy tales can have grim ending -- The Matchstick Girl??

the new husband apparently disliked his new wife's children.. well dislike is too soft a word to justify his act - he ordered them to be sent to the orphanage.. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY???? and ya know.. the new wife.. sent the kids to orphanage! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE MOTHER??? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE??? i always believe that when u marry somebody - u marry that person in his/er totality - present, past and future. and we're talking about children - school kids - here.. not some momento as grim reminder of the other half's past affairs!

i cannot.. for the life of me.. accept that.. its just sooo inhuman.. tantamount to abuse! they are abusing their children's life by denying them the love of a family! the woman, i found out, is a home-maker and not highly educated.. on her point of view, she needs the husband for her survival.. but she also must put priority to her kids. okay, so she sent them to orphanage for their own good.. i dont subscribe to that.. its just not right.. no one has the right to ask a woman to give up her children just becos he doesnt like the fact that their not his own flesh n blood..

Children are gift from God.. its so sad those who claim to be righteous and pious are the ones who treated God's beautiful gift with such insult

Marriage

2006-10-27T14:47:00.000+08:00

marriage..is so over-rated...

i love you

2006-10-26T23:09:00.000+08:00

i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you

My Grey

2006-10-26T22:53:00.000+08:00

Grey..
mungkin kerana lebaran ini maka aku teringatkanmu.. lantas memori bermain2 di kepala.. teringat setiap tutur katamu yang dulu.. alas... aku bagai mammoth.. dengan memori berjuta2 gigabyte..
ada masanya aku menangis dan berdoa supaya Tuhan padamkan nama dan wajahmu.. 10 tahun.. ah, bagaimana mungkin..
the ultimate love is the one that requires no possession...

but i love you, Grey..

kemaafan

2006-10-26T22:40:00.000+08:00

Kemaafan... terlalu susah untuk diluahkan... terlalu payah untuk mengiyakan kesalahan diri dan menerima sebagai sebahagian daripada diri kita.. as human being..

kemaafan untuk diri sendiri.. aku tidak perlu menghukum diri sendiri untuk selama-lamanya.. cukup sudah apa yang telah terjadi sebagai rentetan kisah hidup ku.. i am not proud of what i did.. but the knowledge that i am human..sekurang-kurangnya menjadikan aku sebagai siapa diri aku ketika ini..

kakak,
mungkin terlalu susah untuk melupakan apa yang terjadi.. namun harus keegoan diketepikan demi ibu.. dan adikmu ini.. semakin jauh dari family.. kerana tidak lagi rasa diri ini kepunyaan keluarga.. seolah2 diri ini..bukan sebahagian keluargamu..

lantas kemaafan.. terlalu mahal harganya buatmu, kakak...

JEWEL - Foolish Game

2006-10-01T23:34:00.000+08:00

"Foolish Games"

You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.

You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway,
with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather.

[Pre-Chorus 1]
Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and...

[Chorus]
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.

You're always brilliant in the morning,
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee.Y
our philosophies on art, Baroque moved you.
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar.
You'd teach me of honest things,
Things that were daring, things that were clean.
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean.
I hid my soiled hands behind my back.
Somewhere along the line, I must've gone Off track with you.

[Pre-Chorus 2]
Well, excuse me, guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.

[Chorus]
You took your coat off,
Stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.

JASON MRAZ - You And I Both

2006-10-01T23:26:00.000+08:00

"You And I Both"

Was it you who spoke the words
that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice
I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now,
Oh love, no
You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore, mmm...
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just dream of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free

And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of,
finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally,
finally, out of words.

JAMIE CULLUM - Singin in the rain

2006-10-01T12:55:00.000+08:00

"Singing In The Rain"

I'm singing in the rain
Just singing in the rain
What a glorious feeling
I'm happy again
I'm laughing at clouds
So dark up above
The sun's in my heart
And I'm ready for love
For love
Let the stormy clouds chase
Everyone from the place
Come on with the rain
I've a smile on my face
I'll walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
Singing, singing in the rain
In the rain.

La...

I'm singing in the rain
Just singing in the rain
What a glorious feeling
I'm happy again
I walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
I'm singing, singing in the rain
In the rain
In the rain

GROOVE COVERAGE - The Last Unicorn

2006-10-01T12:41:00.000+08:00

“The Last Unicorn”

When the last eagle flies
Over the last crumbling mountain
And the last lion roars
At the last dusty fountain
In the shadow of the forest
Though she may be old and worn
They will stare unbelieving
At the last unicorn

When the first breath of winter
Through the flowers is icing
And you look to the north
And a pale moon is rising
And it seems like all is dying
And would leave the world to mourn
In the distance hear her laughter
Of the last unicorn
I'm alive... I'm alive...

When the last moon is cast
Over the last star of morning
And the future has past
Without even a last desperate warning
Then look into the sky where through
The clouds a path is formed
Look and see her how she sparkles
It's the last unicorn
I'm alive... I'm alive.

NATALIE IMBRUGLIA - Torn

2006-10-01T00:16:00.000+08:00

“Torn”

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldnt be that man I adored
You dont seem to know, dont seem to care what your heart is for
But I dont know him anymore

Theres nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings fine

Im torn
Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed
lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now

I dont care, I have no luck,
I dont miss it all that much
Theres just so many things that I cant touch,

Im torn
Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed
lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Youre a little late, Im already torn.
..torn...

Theres nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
Thats whats going on, nothings right,

Im torn
Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and I am shamed
lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
Im wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
Im all out of faith, this is how I feel
Im cold and Im ashamed
bound and broken on the floor
Youre a little late,
Im already torn

HOOBASTANK - The reason

2006-10-01T00:11:00.000+08:00

"The Reason"

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

BILLIE MYERS - Kiss The Rain

2006-10-01T00:03:00.000+08:00

“Kiss The Rain”

Hello...
Can you hear me
Am I getting through to you
Hello...
Is it late there
Is there laughter on the line
Are you sure you're there alone
Cuz I'm trying to explain
Something's wrong
You just don't sound the same
Why don't you, Why don't you
Go outside, Go outside

Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone too long
If your lips feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
We're under the same sky
And the night's
As empty for me as for you
If you feel
You can't wait til morning
Kiss the rain...
Kiss the rain...
Kiss the rain...

Hello...
Do you miss me
I hear you say you do
But not the way I'm missing you
What's new
How's the weather
Is it stormy where you are
You sound so close
But it feels like you're so far
Oh would it mean anything
If you knew
What I'm left imagining
In my mind, My mind
Would you go, Would you go

Kiss the rain...
As you fall over me
Think of me
Think of me
Think of me
Only me
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone to long
If your lips feel hungry and tempted
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn
Keep in mind
We're under the same sky
And the night's
As empty for me as for you
If you feel you can't wait till morning
Kiss the rain...
Kiss the rain...
Kiss the rain...
Kiss The Rain.....
Kiss the rain,
Kiss the rain,
Kiss the rain

Hello...
Can you hear me
Can you hear me
Can you hear me

GOO GOO DOLLS - Iris

2006-09-30T23:53:00.000+08:00

“Iris”

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

(break and solo)

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

EVANESCENCE - My Immortal

2006-09-30T23:48:00.000+08:00

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

SHERYL CROW - I Shall Believe

2006-09-30T23:41:00.000+08:00

"I Shall Believe"
Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright

And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key

Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe

DIXIE CHICK - Landslide

2006-09-29T14:18:00.000+08:00

Landslide Lyrics – Dixie chick

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too
Well...

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older, too
Well I'm getting older too

So, take this love and take it down
Year and if you climb a mountain and ya turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well maybe, Well maybe
Well maybe the landslide will bring you down

JON SECADA - "Angel"

2006-09-29T14:13:00.000+08:00

"ANGEL "

I, I can't read the future
But I still want to hold you close
Right now, I need that from you
So give me the morning
Sharing another day with you
Is all I want to know

And baby I, I've tried to forget you
But the light of your eyes
Still shines like an angel
A spirit that won't let me go

And I, I didn't want to tell you
Things I didn't wanna know myself
I was afraid to show
But you, you gave me a reason
A reason to face the truth, oh yes you did
To face the truth, face the truth
Face the truth

And baby I, I've tried to forget you
But the light of your eyes
Still shines, shines, shines like an angel
A spirit that won't let me go
Won't let me go, let go of my heart

And baby I, I've tried to forget you
But the light of your eyes
Still shines like an angel
A spirit that won't let me go
Won't let me go, my angel

COLDPLAY - Fix you

2006-09-25T13:20:00.000+08:00

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from the mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

CLIFF RICHARDS - Ocean Deep

2006-09-25T13:06:00.000+08:00

“Ocean Deep”

Love,
Can't you see I'm alone,
Can't you give this fool a chance?
A little love is all I ask,
A little kindness in the night.
Please don't leave me behind,
No, don't tell me love is blind.
A little love is all I ask,
And that is all.
Love,
I've been searching so long,
I've been searching high and low.
A little love is all I ask,
A little sadness when you go.
Maybe you need a friend?
Only please don't let's pretend.
A little love is all I ask,
And that is all.
Ooh, I wanna spread my wings,
But I just can't fly,
As a string of pearls and pretty girls go sailing by.
Ocean Deep,
I'm so afraid to show my feelings,
I have sailed a millions ceilings in my solitary room.
Ocean deep,
Will I ever find a love?
Maybe she has found another,
And as I cry my self to sleep,
I know this love of mine I'll keep
Ocean Ocean Deep,
I'm so lonely,
Ocean Deep,
On my own in my room,
I'm so lonely.
Ocean Deep

BRITNEY SPEARS - "Everytime"

2006-09-25T12:16:00.000+08:00

"Everytime"

Notice me
Take my hand
Why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?

Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry

Ohhhh

At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

JAMES BLUNT - "High" & "You're Beautiful"

2006-09-25T12:01:00.000+08:00

"High"

Beautiful dawn -
lights up the shore for me.
There is nothing else in the world,
I'd rather wake up and see (with you).

Beautiful dawn -
I'm just chasing time again.
Thought I would die a lonely man,
in endless night.

But now I'm high;
running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

Beautiful dawn -
melt with the stars again.
Do you remember the day when my journey began?
Will you remember the end (of time)?

Beautiful dawn -
You're just blowing my mind again.
Thought I was born to endless night,
until you shine.

High;
running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

Will you be my shoulder
when I'm grey and older?
Promise me tomorrow starts with you,

Getting high;
running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me

"You're Beautiful"

My life is brilliant.
My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Flying high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

NATASHA BEDDINGFIELD - These Words

2006-09-25T06:35:00.000+08:00

"These Words"

These words are my own
Threw some chords together
The combination D-E-F
It's who I am, it's what I do
And I was gonna lay it down for you
Try to focus my attention
But I feel so A-D-D
I need some help, some inspiration
(But it's not coming easily)
Whoah oh!
Trying to find the magic
Trying to write a classic
Don't you know, don't you know, don't you know?
Waste-bin full of paper
Clever rhymes, see you later

These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There's no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you...

Read some Byron, Shelly and Keats
Recited it over a Hip-Hop beat
I'm having trouble saying what I mean
With dead poets and drum machines
I know I had some studio time booked
But I couldn't find a killer hook
Now you've gone & raised the bar right up
Nothing I write is ever good enough

These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There's no other way
To better sayI love you, I love you!

I'm getting off my stage
The curtains pull away
No hyperbole to hide behind
My naked soul exposes
Whoah.. oh.. oh.. oh..
Whoah.. oh..

Trying to find the magic
Trying to write a classic
Waste-bin full of paper
Clever rhymes, see you later

These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
That's all I got to say,
Can't think of a better way,

And that's all I've got to say,
I love you, is that okay?

NORAH JONES - Come Away With Me

2006-09-25T06:26:00.000+08:00

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song
Come away with me on a bus
Come away with me where they can't tempt us
With their liesI want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows
knee kigh
So won't you try to come
Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountain top
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you
And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

http://www.norahjones.info/news.php?cod=15

TINA ARENA - Burn

2006-09-25T05:59:00.000+08:00

"Burn"

Do you wanna be a poet and write
Do you wanna be an actor up in lights
Do you wanna be a soldier and fight for love
Do you wanna travel the world
Do you wanna be a diver for pearls
Or climb a mountain and touch the clouds above

Be anyone you want to be
Bring to life your fantasies
But I want something in return
I want you to burn, burn for me baby
Like a candle in my night
Oh burn Burn for me
Burn for me

Are you gonna be a gambler and deal
Are you gonna be a doctor and heal
Or go to heaven and touch God's face
Are you gonna be a dreamer who sleeps
Are you gonna be a sinner who weeps
Or an angel
Under grace

Ill lay down on your bed of coals
Offer up my heart and soul
But in returnI want you to burn
Burn for me baby
Like a candle in my night
Oh burn burn for me burn for me
Yeah
OohI want you to burn baby ooh

Laugh for me
Cry for me
Pray for me
Lie for me
Live for me
Die for me

I want you to burn
Burn for me baby
Like a candle in my night
Oh burn burn for me burn for me
Yeah Ah yeah
I want you to burn
I want you to burn for me baby
Ohh yeah

AQUA - Turn Back Time

2006-09-25T05:51:00.000+08:00

"Turn Back Time"

Give me time to reason,
give me time to think it through
Passing through the season,
where I cheated you

I will always have a cross to wear,
but the bolt reminds me I was there
So give me strength,
to face this test tonight

If only I could turn back time
If only I had said what I still hide
If only I could turn back time
I would stay for the night.
For the night...

Claim your right to science
Claim your right to see the truth
Though my pangs of conscience,
Will drill a hole in you
I seen it coming like a thief in the night,
I seen it coming from the flash of your light
So give me strength,
to face this test tonight

If only I could turn back time
If only I had said what I still hide
If only I could turn back time..
I would stay for the night

The bolt reminds me I was there
the bolt reminds me I was there

If only I could turn back time
If only I had said what I still hide
If only I could turn back time
I would stay for the night
[repeat chorus until fades out]

ALICIA KEYS - If I Aint Got You

2006-09-25T05:32:00.000+08:00

"If I Ain't Got You"

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

[Chorus:]
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, Yeah

Some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share
With no one who truly cares for me
[Chorus:]
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, you, you
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, yeah

[Outro:]If I ain't got you with me baby
So nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby

ALANIS MORISETTE - Uninvited

2006-09-25T05:24:00.000+08:00

"Uninvited"

Like anyone would be

I am flattered by your fascination with me

Like any hot-blooded woman

I have simply wanted an object to crave

But you, you're not allowed

You're uninvited

An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting

To watch the stoic squirm

Must be somewhat heartening

To watch shepherd need shepherd

But you you're not allowed

You're uninvited

An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory

I must seem greatly intriguing

You speak of my love like

You have experienced love like mine before

But this is not allowed

You're uninvited

An unfortunate slight

I don't think you unworthy

I need a moment to deliberate

DELTA GOODREM - Born To Try

2006-09-25T05:07:00.000+08:00

"Born To Try"

Doing everything that I believe in
Going by the rules that I've been taught
More understanding of what's around me
And protected from the walls of love
All that you see is me
And all I truly believe
That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like
But I was born to try
No point in talking what you should have been
And regretting the things that went on
Life's full of mistakes, destinies and fate
Remove the clouds look at the bigger picture
And all that you see is me
And all I truly believe
That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like
But I was born to try
All that you see is me
All I truly believe
All that you see is me
And all I truly believe
That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like
But I was born to try
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like
But I was born to try

DANIEL POWTER - Bad Day

2006-09-25T04:49:00.000+08:00

"Bad Day"

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day

DAMIEN RICE - "Canonball" & " Amie"

2006-09-25T03:39:00.000+08:00

"Cannonball"

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
Still I can't SAY what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

"Amie"

Nothing unusual, nothing strange
Close to nothing at all
The same old scenario, the same old rain
And there's no explosions here
Then something unusual, something strange
Comes from nothing at all
I saw a spaceship fly by your window
Did you see it disappear?

Amie.. come sit on my wall
And read me the story of O
And tell it like you still believe
That the end of the century
Brings a change for you and me

Nothing unusual, nothing's changed
Just a little older that's all
You know when you've found it,
There's something I've learned
'Cause you feel it when they take it away
Something unusual, something strange
Comes from nothing at all
But I'm not a miracle
And you're not a saint
Just another soldier
On the road to nowhere
Amie... come sit on my wall
And read me the story of O
And tell it like you still believe
That the end of the century
Brings a change for you and me
And Amie come sit on my wall
And read me the story of O
And tell it like you still believe
That the end of the century
Brings a change for you and me

DAMIEN RICE - Blower's Daughter

2006-09-25T03:13:00.000+08:00

"The Blowers Daughter"

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...
my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

KEVIN DEGRAW - I Dont Want To Be

2006-09-25T03:05:00.000+08:00

"I Don't Want To Be"

I don't need to be anything other
Than a prison guard's son
I don't need to be anything other
Than a specialist's son
I don't have to be anyone other
Than the birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going,
is knowing where I'm coming from

[Chorus:]
I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me
I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one who noticed?
I can't be the only one who's learned!

[Chorus]
Can I have everyone's attention please?
If you're not like this and that, you're gonna have to leave
I came from the mountain
The crust of creation
My whole situation-made from clay to stone
And now I'm telling everybody

[Chorus]

I don't want to be [x4]

KEVIN DEGRAW - We Belong Together (Soundtrack of Triston and Isolde)

2006-09-25T02:54:00.000+08:00

"We Belong Together"

We belong together
like the open seas and shores
wedded by the planet force
we've all been spoken for

[VERSE 1:]
The hammer may strike,
be dead on the ground.
a net to my hand, a cross on his crown.
we're done if, who we're undone,
finished if who we are incomplete.
as one we are everything,
we are everything we need.

[CHORUS:]
we belong together
like the open seas and shores
wedded by the planet force
we've all been spoken for

[VERSE 2:]
What good is a life, with no one to share,
the light of the moon, the honor of a swear.
we can try to live the way in which you speak,
taste the milk of your mother earth's love,
spread the word of consciencness you see,
we are everything we need

[CHORUS]
We belong together
like the open seas and shores
wedded by the planet force
we've all been spoken for

All this indecision
all this independent strength still
we've got our hearts on safe
we've got our hearts on safe
someday when you're lonley,
sometime after all this bliss,
somewhere lost in emptiness,
I hope you find this gift...
I hope you find this gift..
I hope you find this gift.

DIDO - Life For Rent

2006-09-25T02:48:00.000+08:00

"Life For Rent"
I haven't ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking

It's just a thought, only a thought
But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone and live more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me
It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

DIDO - White Flag

2006-09-25T02:34:00.000+08:00

"White Flag"

I know you think that
I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it,
well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise
I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess
and destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

DIDO - Here With Me

2006-09-25T02:31:00.000+08:00

"Here With Me"
I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
And I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory
[Chorus:]
Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me

I don't want to call my friends
They might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that's been
[Chorus]

[ www.azlyrics.com ]

Homecoming.. to this blog at least

2006-09-25T02:20:00.000+08:00

yawwwwnnn
am not naturally awake at this moment ...well.. maybe for some canoodling with... ya know.. :D .. anyway.. thts not the point.. installed Limewire yesterday. proven to be a great tool for downloading musics!! its great to listen back to good ol' tunes circa 1995 - 2000 (around the time where my life took its topsy turvy turns *grimace* bad decisions, uncalculated mistakes, ya know.. the whole shit they call life..)
anyway.. been browsing thru AZLYRICS for the songs and i will posted them here.. how about that??! still trying to figure out how to upload pictures here though.. *sigh*

edit:
YAY!!! i did it!! i did it!!! *sniggere.. du'oh* hey dont hate me if i am an internet-dummie :p
managed to upload pics here hehehe oh btw, if any of the pictures belong to you, please do tell me and provide me a link so that others will know, kay? sorry for uploadings those pictures without prior permission *GOMEN-Na-Sai* they're just soooooooo pretty :D

Aloha!

2006-06-06T14:22:00.000+08:00

This Slip Of A Girl

2005-08-10T17:40:00.000+08:00

This slip of a girl
She offers her mind and soul to the world
Her body bent by the weight of her love
Comfort and warmth in abundance
But still
I taste her salt on my lips
I taste her salt in the wind
I taste her salt in her words
I taste her salt in her every touch
Behind the wet lashes
The shadowy Rembrandt of hurt
In a vortex piercing her heart
Bruising her in the droning
Sonorous sound of her laughter
But still
I taste her salt in her every moves
I taste her salt in her every smile
I taste her salt in her kisses
I taste her salt in her embrace
Salty love
Soaked with unseen tears
And still
She stood there smiling
Holding out her arms full of empathy
With her bleeding heart tucked
Somewhere within her stalwart stance

The scent of goodbye

2005-07-18T16:59:00.000+08:00

Sit awhile and take off your memory cap
Put it on the player
Watch the rerun in its finality
Feed it to the fire
Until the last of its reluctant spark
Consume your pain
And your memory spent, liberated
Walk the morning stroll
Breathe the crisp air
Notice the flushed of the roses
The scent of pine
The twitter of blue robin
Read the paper
Enjoy your toast and ham
Savor your coffee
Feel the greatness of the day
Runs through your vein
Nothing there will remind you
Of me
Nothing there will whisper my name
Nothing there to bring me back
No memory left to haunt
Your step
Light will replace the memory
A whole new chapter to write
Be free to create your future
Today is the day your life begins
The rest is still unwritten
Let it go, cheer yourself
Feel the rush overwhelming you
But please
Remember not to forget me

Free me sinless

2005-04-27T13:05:00.000+08:00

All sound fled as the noiseless wind stole into me
In the vacuum of my heart, I was forced to remember
By the sigh of a soul too wearied by the burden of passion
To carry on the incessant chanting of just chastisement
I bared my wounded heart to the approaching salty ache
In fervent desire for deliverance from these guilt my heart createdStinging, stabbing, maligning, disfiguring, killing, ruining
My tears flowed freely as I sought these torments’ healing
Fear of the unknown, Fear of the knowing
Fear of the knowledge
How shall I deliver? How shall I undo the deed over?
How shall I forget lest remembrance become nuisances?
How shall I be alive after my heart was slain?
The wound where my past laid bare throbbed
As the passing pain encrusted the layers of blood
Around the opening sore of my misdeed, my shame
Withholding the snarling, unspoken beast to lambaste and blame
These pain soaked me in its entirety, its omnipotence
The slight misfortune to teach me patience
I sought His peace in these moments of unruly anguish
Amazingly, ironically, I was emancipated in their gist
Discerning the full meaning of being a humble captive
In my soundless scream, the riot in my heart broke free - a fugitive
Escaped the ugliness that laid deep in my heart
So slowly the harden crust peeled away and departed
Soft, palpitated red flesh revealed from underneath the grey ashes
Tranquility descended from above, a gift by His grace
Have mercy on such tormented soul, mouthed my dry lips
Bless me with undisturbed heart and dreamless sleep
Uncurb my mind from its worldly carnality that spoke of thousandth sin
Bestow my soul the light promising love and unraveling peace within
Immerse me in oblivion lest remembrance become too painful
Free me sinless…..

B. Maria
JKN Perak, Ipoh
April 20th, 2005; 12.07 p.m.

Raging spirit

2005-04-13T19:43:00.000+08:00

Ipoh.. a new experience..

2005-04-01T17:23:00.000+08:00

Shhh..
Close your eyes , my love
Feel the emotion rise
Listen my love
Can you hear it?
Destiny is calling me
Hush,
Don't cry, dear
Waste not your tears
For goodbye is inevitable
It's a door to another hello
You'll get by,
I know you'll be alright
I'll be watching you from afar
You'll grow up
and shine like a star, you are
Hush, my darling
We'll meet again surely
It's a small world afterall...
Before long
You'll forget me
You will live
and bloom like a flower
in spring

Goodbye...
and
Hello......

>>>> My last day in the office. Tomorrow will be another day, another face in another place.. I will think of you, my friends...<<<<

circle - sarah maclachlan

2005-03-30T15:08:00.000+08:00

There are two of us talking in circles
and one of us who wants to leave
in a world created for only us
an empty cage that has no key
don't you know we're working with flesh and blood
carving out of jealousy
Crawling into each other it's smothering
every little part of me
What kind of love is this that keeps me
hanging on
despite everything it's doing to me
what is this love that keeps me coming
back for more
when it will only end in misery
I know too many people unhappy
in a life from which they'd love to flee
watching others get everything offered
they're wanton for discovery
Oh my brother my sister my mother
you're loosing your identity
can't you see that it's you in the window
shining with intensity
What kind of love is this that keeps me
hanging on
despite everything it's doing to me
what is this love that keeps me coming
back for more
when it will only end in misery...

trust - sarah maclachlan

2005-03-30T15:05:00.000+08:00

[SPONSOR]
= 0) navigator.userAgent.indexOf("WebTV")>= 0) {
document.write('');
document.write('');
}else{
document.write('');
}
//-->

Somewhere deep inside me
I hold a picture of a time long gone
A time of ease and simple pleasures
And days in shadows not so long
Now with my mind i'm struggling
Holding on to what i believe

Listen to the fragments of my thoughts
That leave me broken and deceived
'cause i don't know the way
He said "i can take you there,
I can show you places where our time has had no ware"
And as we walked the plains
The skies they opened wide
Revealing all the shame for what's been lost inside us all

It's a day in the life
In my mind i've seen it all
Sometime soon for all to see
The walls are slowly breaking down
In my mind i've seen it all
And someday we'll be free
We're searching for a message
Or so i thought but so it seems
The ignorance in the myths of others
Is easier to redeem
I've never questioned the answers given
To find the faith that's been lost within
'cause where i lay my trust in others
Where it lies the ground is thin
'cause i don't know the way
He said "i can take you there,
I can show you places where our time has had no ware"
And as we walked the plains
The skies they opened wide
Revealing all the shame for what's been lost inside us all

I know you say you love me
If what you say is true
So show me something that's not deceiving
'cause i wouldn't lie to you

Path of thorns - sarah maclachlan

2005-03-30T15:03:00.000+08:00

I knew you wanted to tell me
In your voice there was something wrong
But if you would turn your face away from me
You cannot tell me you're so strong
Just let me ask of you one small thing
As we have shared so many tears
With fervor our dreams
we planned a whole life long
Now are scattered on the wind...

In the terms of endearment
In the terms of the life that you love
In the terms of the years that pass you by
In the terms of the reasons why

Through the years i've grown to love you
Though your commitment to most would offend
But i stuck by you holding on with my foolish pride
Waiting for you to give in...
You never really tried or so it seems
I've had more than myself to blame
I've had enough of trying everything
And this time it is the end...

There's no more coming back this way
The path is overgrown and strewn with thorns
They've torn the life-blood from your naked eyes
Cast aside to be forlorn...

Funny, how it seems that all i've tried to do
Seemed to make no difference to you at all...

Me and my pensiveness

2005-03-24T10:30:00.000+08:00

I am in soppy mood... reality outvie hope.. circumstances dictate i should decide to let go... i wish i can lie to myself.. how i wish i have that ability.. its sucks to be honest...

Jika Kau Bercinta Lagi - Alleycat/M Nasir

Jika kau bercinta lagi
Cintalah sesungguhnya
Jika kau bercinta lagi
Jagalah kau hatinya

Kau yang memilihnya
Tanpa memikirkan tentang diriku
Kiniku hanya dapat berdoa
Agar berbahagia kau disampingnya

Aku tak dapat menghalang
Kau punya kemahuan sendiri
Biar kuhidup hanya mengenang
Peristiwa yang tak dapat kulupa

Kini aku hanya dapat berdoa
Agar berbahagia kau disampingnya
Selamat tinggal
Aku mengundurkan diri....

........... c'est la vie.. au revoir, mon amor... c'est sucré comme du miel... mais alors.... c'est temporaire....
To all French people out there... forgive me if my french sucks....

Life is a lovebird

2005-03-23T17:06:00.000+08:00

by Nikhil Parekh

Life is a resplendent flower; the more you ardently
inhale it; the more it casts its fragrant spell upon
each cranny of your disastrously frazzled demeanor;
for centuries immemorial,

Life is an invincible mountain; the more you valiantly
clamber it; the more it impregnably defends every iota
of your bereaved countenance; against the most
acrimoniously vicious attacks,

Life is a tantalizing ocean; the more you profusely
swim in it; the more it envelops your cloudburst of
inexplicable agonies; with its enchantingly rhapsodic
tanginess,

Life is a ravishing cloud; the more insatiably you
float in it; the more it encapsulates your
monotonously beleaguered senses; in an entrenchment of
mystically voluptuous sensuousness,

Life is a blazing Sun; the more unflinchingly you
stare at it; the more it magnanimously bequeaths upon
you the tenacity; to surge relentlessly forward
towards your philanthropically divine goals,

Life is a tingling dewdrop; the more bountifully you
caress it; the more it enshrouds every element of your
disastrously dwindling persona; with majestically
tranquil compassion,

Life is a resplendent star; the more uninhibitedly you
let it in your dwelling; the more it wholesomely
infiltrates your ghastily bereaved conscience; with
innocuously twinkling beams of sacrosanct light,

Life is an exhilarating adventure; the more poignantly
you pursue it; the more it enthrallingly perpetuates
into each of your brutally extinguishing nerves; to
unconquerably metamorphose them into the boundaries of
spell binding paradise,

Life is an exotic waterfall; the more fervently you
bathe in it; the more it astoundingly washes each of
your inadvertently committed sin?s; maneuvering you
towards the path of everlasting prosperity,

Life is a true story; the more passionately you
engross in it; the more it romantically titillates
each aspect of your insidiously dithering existence;
with its insurmountably ingratiating melody,

Life is an Omnipotent form; the more devoutly you
respect it; the more it uninhibitedly blesses every
aspect of your survival; miraculously transforming all
your traumatized anguish; into a fountain of
perennially sparkling happiness,

Life is an Omniscient elixir; the more tenaciously you
drink it; the more it handsomely relieves you of even
the most infinitesimal of your tensions; indefatigably
propelling you to fantasize like a prince,

Life is an enchanting dream; the more unfathomably you
perceive it; the more it blissfully it placates all
your savagely manipulative apprehensions; engenders
you to astonishingly procreate a countless more
brilliantly victorious tomorrow?s,

Life is a melodious song; the more you patriotically
sing it; the more it bestows you with the Herculean
tenacity; to wholesomely free your atrociously
besieged; and sacred motherland,

Life is an unassailable fortress; the more you
vehemently respect it; the more it perpetually
sequesters you in its Omnipresent belly; nourishes
each cranny of your existence with the tonic of
radiantly vivacious righteousness,

Life is a vivid rainbow; the more you profusely absorb
it; the more it stupendously inundates your despicably
collapsing existence; with an unsurpassable
kaleidoscope; of beauty; color; and amiably charming
humanity,

Life is a humanitarian necklace; the more you
chivalrously wear it; the more it showers upon your
penurious visage all richness of this planet; the
pricelessly regale religion of mankind,

Life is a Divine heaven; the more you tirelessly
salute it; the more it benevolently blesses your
pathetically withering nostrils; with unsurpassable
fireballs of aristocratically exuberant breath,

And life is a lovebird; the more you ecstatically let
it fly; the more it envelops your tyrannically
imprisoned heart; with immortal beats of love; love;
and only unshakably godly Love?.

(C)COPYRIGHT--2003, BY NIKHIL PAREKH. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Why Do I Feel So Sad

2005-03-23T17:01:00.000+08:00

by Unknown (Alicia Keys)

Friends we've been for so long
Now true colors are showing
Makes me wanna cry
oh yes it does
Cuz I had to say goodbye
By now I should know
That in time things would change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad
How can I adjust
To the way that things are going
It's killing me slowly
Oh I just want it to be how it used to be
Cuz I wish that I could stay
But in time things must change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad
You cannot hide the way you feel inside
I realize
Your actions speak much louder than words
So tell me why oh
By now I should know that
That in time things would change
So it shouldn't be it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad
By now I should know
That in time things must change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad
By now I should know
That in time things must grow
And I had to leave you behind
So why do I feel so sad
If it couldn't be that bad
Tell me why
By now I should know
That in time things would change
So it shouldn't be so bad
So why do I feel so sad

My Immortal

2005-03-23T16:58:00.000+08:00

by Amy Lee/Ben Moody/David Hodges (Evanescene)

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
cause your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me
i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
but though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

I'll Remember

2005-03-23T16:52:00.000+08:00

by Unknown

SAY GOODBYE
NOT KNOWING WHEN
THE TRUTH IN MY WHOLE LIFE BEGAN
SAY GOODBYE
NOT KNOWING HOW TO CRY
YOU TAUGHT ME THAT
AND I'LL REMEMBER
THE STRENGHT THAT YOU GAVE ME
NOW THAT I'M STANDING ON MY OWN
I'LL REMEMBER
THE WAY THAT YOU SAVED ME
I'LL REMEMBER
INSIDE I WAS A CHILD
THAT COULD NOT MEND A BROKEN WING
OUTSIDE I LOOKED FOR A WAY
TO TEACH MY HEART TO SING
AND I'LL REMEMBER
THE LOVE THAT YOU GAVE ME
NOW THAT I'M STANDING ON MY OWN
I'LL REMEMBER
THE WAY THAT YOU CHANGED ME
I'LL REMEMBER
I LEARNEDTO LET GO
OF THE ILLUSION
THAT WE CAN POSSESS
I LEARNED TO LET GO
I TRAVEL IN STILLNESS
I'LL REMEMBER HAPPINESS
I'LL REMEMBER
AND I'LL REMEMBER
THE LOVE THAT YOU GAVE ME
NOW THAT I'M STANDING ON MY OWN
I'LL REMEMBER
THE WAY THAT YOU CHANGED ME
I'LL REMEMBER
NOW I'LL NEVER BE AFRAID TO CRY
NOW I FINALLY HAVE THE REASON WHY
I'LL REMEMBER

down the memory lane

2005-03-23T16:04:00.001+08:00

Take a bow - Madonna

Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
Lights are low, the curtains are down
There's no one here
(There's no one here, there's no one in the crowd)

Say your lines but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say
When there's no one around (no one around)
Watching you, watching me
One lonely star
(One lonely star you don't know who you are)

I've always been in love with you
I guess you've always known it's true
You took my love for granted
Why oh why
The show is over say good-bye
say good-bye, say good-bye

Make them laugh, it comes so easy
When you get to the part
Where you're breaking my heart
Hide behind your smileA
ll the world loves a clown
(Just make 'em smile
the whole world loves a clown)

Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award
For the role that you played
No more masquerade
You're one lonely star
(One lonely star you dont know who you are)

All the world is a stage
And everyone has their part
How was I to know
Which way the story goes
How was I to know you'd break
You'd break, you'd break, you'd break
You'd break my heart

2005-03-23T16:04:00.000+08:00

Berhenti Berharap by Sheila on 7

Aku tak percaya lagi
Dengan apa yang kau beri
Aku terdampar disini
Tersudut menunggu mati

Aku tak percaya lagi
Akan guna matahari
Yang dulu mampu terangi
Sudut gelap hati ini

Aku berhenti berharap
Dan menunggu datang gelap
Sampai nanti suatu saat
Tak ada cinta kudapat

Kenapa ada derita
Bila bahagia tercipta
Kenapa ada sang hitam
Bila putih menyenangkan

Aku pulang ..... tanpa dendam
Kuterima kekalahanku

Aku pulang.... tanpa dendam
Kusalutkan kemenanganmu

Kau ajarkan aku bahagia
Kau ajarkan aku derita

Kau tunjukkan aku bahagia
Kau tunjukkan aku derita

Kau berikan aku bahagia
Kau berikan aku derita

Aku pulang ..... tanpa dendam
Rebahkan tangguhmu
Lepaskan perlahan
Kau akan mengerti, semua...
Aku pulang ..... tanpa dendam

2005-03-22T12:21:00.000+08:00

I came by your house today
I went up the stairs
And sat at the dining hall
I looked around
The rooms echoed with our voice
I should not be here without permission
You aren’t here
Far away you’ve gone
I traced my fingers on the table
And spelled your name on the dust
I sat on your sofa bed and
Stared at the silent tv
How long had it been
Since we sat here and watched it?
I remember
How we laughed till tears fell from our eyes
How you held me while we watched
Macross Zero
I remember
I stretched on your lap
You stroke my hair
As I slowly fell asleep
I remember
As I stood at the doorway
How cold your bed, it seemed
How lonely the bed sheet must have felt
How bored your pillow must be
But then again…
This is not mine to ask
Your are not mine to begin with
What right do I have to stand here?
In your hall
What right do I have to shed tears?
Here in your house
What right do I have to love you?
When you are in someone else’s arm
I am sorry
If my love seemed too much for you
If my tears seemed too much on you…
But then again…

Fugacious you

2005-03-22T12:19:00.000+08:00

We
Have graduated
From friends to something totally new, undefined roles
We
Have crossed those boundaries
That we both had agreed never to traverse
We
Trying to act it cool
When in fact trying
To analyze what is happening to us
What would happen to us?
The magnitude of our folly
I
Will tell you; will not let you
Treat me like a dirty, cheap tramp
Will tell you
Should forget about those rules
We’ve broken it
We will have to live by it
I
Desire commitments from you
For the well being of my feelings
To be aware of my heart
To be polite with me, at the least
I
Don’t want to know
How many lovers you have
How many girls you kept
How you feel right now
I own you not; you own me not
When the time comes
When the game’s over
I
Will let you go completely
Just you wait
For the right girl to come along
Grab her; marry her
You’ll see
And B.Maria’ll be history
I promise you that

Lament of a Sinner

2005-03-22T12:17:00.000+08:00

I know
I will never be a good person
I am much too passionate with what I believed in
Whether it’s wrong or right
Maybe that is why I dived into this turmoil
Maybe I am afraid I will be left alone
Maybe I am afraid of closeness
Maybe I am tired of being Miss-Goody-Two-Shoes
Maybe I am ruled by my sensuality
Sexuality
Lust and desires
For love
For life
Maybe I lack the courage to dictate what I want
So I jumped in every band wagon I met on my way
Just go along with the mainstream
Maybe there is a wild beast in me
Too hard to tame
Maybe I am not as strong as I want to be
Maybe I don’t have principles at all
Maybe I am just plain stupid
Maybe I am a coward
Too afraid to lose all the good things
So I compromised
I negotiated with the Devil
I sold my soul
In exchange for warmth and love
So false and insincere
Hoarding up hurt after hurt
Maybe I take comfort in these
Because I am so afraid the truth will leave me
That the truth will strip me off my being
Of who I am
Who am I?
A loser?
A two-timing-asshole?
A friend said
I have the strength to change and move on
But I lost the courage somewhere in between
I am lost
I can’t find my way home
I missed home; the genuine warmth in it
It is cold out here
Though I am surrounded by fire of lust
I am freezing inside
Deliberately drinking the poisonous liquor in my hand
Giving up on the warmth
And welcoming the darkness in my heart
Cos somehow
Though I tried
I can’t be a good enough person

“.. May God grant His Grace to forgive me..”

I want to live

2005-03-07T17:34:00.000+08:00

I want to live

Dragon’s dreams
Fairy’s wishes
I looked into their eyes
The legend lives
Firedrakes dancing the ancient beat
Trolls drooling over the blithe flesh
I stand amongst them
Experiencing the alive spark of sensation
The circles of life
The realms of existence
Each completing one another
Blending ice and fire
Fusing death and life
Joining dreams and realities
In the everlasting reverie
I sing the song of healing
The primitive yearning of peace and symmetry
Curing the hurt left by the blast of hatred
As the chieftain sentenced to death
Raising his face to the sky and cried:
Freedom!!
Freedom!!!
Freedom!!!!
And thousands of dragons’ soul joining him
In the uproar that shook the universe
Vibrations that could still be felt till the end of creation
And died together
I play the song of shaping
Summoning all life to my feet
Shaping a new world of love and understanding
Lulling words of wisdom and faith
I am the future
I am today
I was yesterday
I close my eyes and lift my hands to the heaven
Inhaling the sweet aroma of joy of living
Exhaling the pain of heartache
And I cry out:
Alive!
Alive!!
Alive!!!
And the dragons cry out together
Freedom!!!!!!

B.Maria (inspired by a book.. Dragon Lance? Can’t remember.. :p)
January 99

My thoughts

2005-03-07T17:32:00.000+08:00

My thoughts

I am not a poet
Aesthetic words baffle me
Let alone to compose a single, simple rhyme
I grew up in a world of simple means
For simple words
But for once
I’ll try my best to put what I feel
What I see
What I think
In this simple verse

I came here with a single quest
To search the answers
To thousand of doubts and questions
That plagued me all these years
As time passed me by
People I met amazed me
They came and they lingered awhile
They left
Leaving behind markings in the wake of my life
Some faded in time
Some muddled up in my memory
Few rooted in my heart
I walked my life
Aware of the footprints only of my own
These traces sometimes turn into apparitions
I had to run from their maddening whispers
The manic sneer in their eyes
The skeletons in my closet
Stalking my waking moment
Mocking my sleeps
Stealing into my dreams

As I bolted with the wind
Awareness came upon me
There were footsteps beside mine
Following me
Then I heard soothing murmur around me
Taming the beast in me
Inspiring in its power of healing
I slowed down to a trot
Now I walk my life with full understanding
I am not walking alone
You’re always there, I know
I will always remember you
The distant beacon in the veil of my nights
The serene blue of midnight moon
Casting light on my darken heart
Driving out the shadows
The one that I’d tried to run away from
The effervescent energy of purified soul
Keeping me sane in their warm, secure embrace
Yes, I’ll remember you that way

Nuraini Ghaifullah – some days I just feel overwhelm by friendships
11/10/98

2005-03-07T17:31:00.000+08:00

The disconcert of my being

I
Stood in the middle
Of a room
Full of people
I
Waited for someone
To show me the way
To a place where I belong
I
Saw them
Familiar faces
Moving around me
In precise fashion
I knew them all along
I
Reached to touch
Their shadow
Their cool face
Looking at me
I
Just learnt
Nobody saw me
In that room
Full of people
How tragic!!!

Ann’97

Poem by Larisa Sadyuk - 2

2005-02-07T14:50:00.000+08:00

Feed your sorrow to the fire,
To the last reluctant spark,
And your memories will die or
Disappear in the dark.
Nothing here will remind you
Of August left
In the kindom of the blind,
Music of the deaf.

Poem by Larisa Sadyuk

2005-02-07T14:48:00.000+08:00

We belong to the far-away land,
To the world of a strangest belief,
That my heart is a shell on the sand,
While your heart is a red maple leaf.

Our palaces soaring between
Earth and heaven are soaked in mist.
Crystal domes... They are not to be seen.
Though we've always believed they exist.

When the sequence is broken, the haze
Of uncertainty leaks through the crack.
When the wind sets your forest ablaze
Autumn comes and it's time to go back.

You will see many faces of Fall,
Many old and peculiar lands
And «goodbye» is a red rubber ball
Rolling slowly into your hands

A Song for My Muse

2005-01-26T09:43:00.000+08:00

Tonight I wished
I have a pair of wings
So that I can be there
To be by your side
This loneliness
Eats me from inside
My lips curl in smile
But my heart frowns in despair
I dreaded the night that comes
Your face would visit me again
Your voice would speak to me
In a vaporous whisper
Echoes in my head
My heart would scream your name
Over and over again
And I would cry again
Missing you is the most
Painful feelings that I abhor
I wished
I could have a painter brush
So that I can paint my whole life
In different light
So that I can put colors for my feelings
A rainbow that illuminate my life
Not this darkness in remembrance
Not these murkiness of futures uncertainty
I wished
I could be the wind that caress your red skin
Under the sun
Cool you down as you close your eyes
I would blow away your heat and worries
I wished
I could be the star
Like diamantes on black velvet
That glows for those
Whose heart laden with darkness
Especially for you
I wished
I could be a sparrow
That perched by the windowsill of your office
And watching you
Loving you
Yearning for you
Tonight
As I close my tired, teary eyes
I dream of you again….

Runner

2005-01-19T11:41:00.000+08:00

I will no longer chase
After your running shadow
Everyone keeps on running
The goal still cannot be seen
What does today hold?
What lies ahead tomorrow?
Facing the faraway distant lights
I will even now keep on running
I will no longer be misled
I will walk only my own path
Everyone keeps on running
Though the goal is far away
Within the days that pass through today
I'll be glad if tomorrow comes
Facing the faraway distant lights
I will even now keep on running
I will not stop anymore
Someday, we will meet too
Everyone keeps on running
Though the goal cannot be seen
Today is said to be a day of hope
The future is said to be bright, but
Facing the faraway distant lights
I will even now keep on running

Yasashisa Sayonara

2005-01-19T11:10:00.000+08:00

My heart aches, a draft blows through my heart
Although we sometimes had fights
Even now, your gentleness has not changed
That was what I couldn't bear
I ran out of your empty room without a word
In front of a station with nowhere to go
Yes, at last I understood
Your gentleness is the reverse of weakness
I am the one who has changed
Therefore, I bid you farewell
Without our knowing it, day by day our hearts
Drifted apart from each other
Every day was the same thing over again
Long ago, that would have been comfortable
I went away and you were all alone
A new life awaits
I cannot turn back
Because I don't need your gentleness anymore
I cannot fill this gap in my heart
So don't hold me back

Laugh while we can.....

2005-01-10T13:49:00.000+08:00

"10 Commandments of Marriage"
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven.
But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand --
and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and
the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car
for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman
become as one; the trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake
all night thinking about something you
said. After marriage, he will fall asleep
before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a good
cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome,
understanding, economical and a considerate
lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries.
After that, he is finished.

Bonus Commandment story:
A married couple married MANY years came upon
a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make
a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the
well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment
but then smiled, "Wow! It really works!!!"

Kumpulan Puitis - Berbaik sangkalah

2005-01-10T13:46:00.000+08:00

Berbaik sangkalah
Bahwa Dia hanya ingin menyapa
Menyadarkan kita yang terlupa
Menengadah ke jendela
langit,
untuk meminta
Berpikir jernihlah
Sebab Ia tahu
Zikir lebih mudah terlafaz
Jika berbaur dalam isak, bukan gelak
Berbaik sangkalah
Karena Ia hanya ingin menyentil
Tangan-tangan kita yang jahil
Serta rajin menjamah yang batil
Berpikir jernihlah
Bahwa dalam gulatan nestapa
Getar doa lebih mudah terucap
Dalam setiap ratap
Dalam setiap senyap
Berpadulah, uluran bantuan mesra dengan dekap

~genovian~

Diamond Dust

2005-01-10T13:43:00.000+08:00

Making your heart cry again tonight
The angels are testing us
Is my love like sparkling glass?
Or like an ash-covered diamond?
The setting sun will someday
Flush out the answer
Right now I'm lovin' you...
That love for you is my living,
is my shining
Always lovin' you...
While melting
your frozen loneliness with a kiss...
On the night
when the moon of loneliness is full
Let's embrace within my coat
Because people
aren't strong enough to tame
The rampant pain in their hearts
It's alright
if you turn to me
With your tear soaked eyes
Yes, I'm lovin' you
No matter how much it's hurt,
this love is a diamond
Always lovin' you
Though I still can't erase
the loneliness falling on you
With the fragments of our love
I'm sure we'll fill in the puzzle
of the map to paradise
Right now I'm lovin' you...
That love for you is my living,
is my shining
Always lovin' you...
While melting your frozen loneliness
With a kiss...

BY MORI. Y

PUISI UNTUK TUHAN

2005-01-04T11:58:00.000+08:00

Sungguh kami tidak mengerti
Betapa dalam kecintaan-Mu kepada hamba-hamba-Mu
Sungguh kami tidak terucap
Betapa menggunungnya kerinduan-Mu
Bertemu dengan mereka
Yang lewat matari terbenam
Belum ketemui
Sungguh kami tidak terpikir
Betapa besarnya Rahmat-Mu
Kala kau detikkan dalam hati kalangan kami
Untuk menghala ke tempat lain
Tidak tersangka nyawa tertebus
Sungguh kami tidak terdaya
Menahan teguran-Mu kala kami hanyut
Dalam sungai kehidupan
Alpa kami dengan indahnya syurga dunia
Yang hanya biasan
Sungguh kami tidak upaya
Menukar segala yang berlaku
Lantas rakusnya kami sendiri yang mencipta
Pantas sekali Kau menyapa
Umpama sebatnya seorang ayah kepada anaknya
Ya, amat perit
Tetapi mengajar
Aduhai….
Indahnya berada dalam pelukan iman-Mu
Tersenyum-senyum dan tertawa di sisi-Mu
Mencicipi manisnya hidangan dari cangkir emas pemberian-Mu
Berkah dari ketidakputus asa
Sabar tatkala dirundung siksaan dan malapetaka
Redha hilang kemilikan mereka atas nama-Mu
Berumahtangga dengan cabaran demi agama-Mu
Mencintai-Mu
Aduhai…
Apakah aku mampu mencapai darjah mereka, Ya Tuhan?
Sedang aku enak diuliti duniaku…
Sebatan-Mu amat pedih, Ya Tuhan
Walau tidak langsung ke atas diriku
Aku ingin bersama mereka
Yang kini sedang bersenang-senang di sisi-Mu
Layakkah diriku?
Bagaimana harusku bersihkan selut hitam
Di sekeliling hatiku?
Bagaimana harus Rahmah-Mu sampai ke dalam nuraniku, Ya Tuhan…
Kerana aku hamba yang bangsat…
Ampunilah ku, Ya Rabb
Aku tidak mungkin mendapat
Pahala para Rasul dan Nabi
Apalagi para syuhada dan abid
Cukup kiranya
Dosa-dosaku yang sebanyak
Debu-debu di dunia
Kau ampuni, Ya Tuhan
Cukup kiranya
Kau letakkan tanda noktah yang abadi
Di atas kejahilan dan keengkaranku
Cukup kiranya
Kau ambil nyawaku
Tatkala aku sedang sujud
Memohon ampun dari-Mu

~ Bea ~

Puisi untuk Mu

2005-01-03T11:46:00.000+08:00

Saat KAU ketuk perlahan secuil debu kepunyaan-MU
Saat KAU sentuh rapuhnya secuil debu ciptaan-MU
Saat KAU hamburkan kumpulan debu-debu milik-MU
Saat KAU hamparkan debu-debu halus yang tak berdaya di tangan-MU
Saat KAU hempaskan bulir debu di tempat yang KAU PILIH….

Sungguh…
Kami dan mereka hanya debu yang harus kembali kepada-MU
Kami dan mereka hanya debu yang tak mampu menolak kejadian rahasia-MU
Kami dan mereka hanya debu yang patut menerima sketsa rencana-MU
Kami dan mereka hanya debu yang tak pantas menghadang kuasa-MU
Kami dan mereka hanya debu yang telah KAU buatkan catatan sendiri-sendiri…

Yaa Rabb..YANG MAHA MENCINTA, YANG membetik tiap-tiap deret kejadian…

Ikhlaskan hati dan pikiran kami, bagi mereka…saudara yang kami sayangi…namun teramat KAU sayangi hingga bergegas mereka membuat janji untuk menjumpai-MU…
Pasrahkan hati dan pikiran kami, bagi mereka…saudara yang amat kami cintai…namun sungguh dalam KAU cintai hingga amat cepat mereka merindu menatap wajah-MU…
Hiburkan hati dan pikiran kami, bagi mereka…saudara yang selalu kami andalkan..namun lebih KAU pilih untuk syahidkan mereka hingga duduknya sejajar dengan syuhada-syuhada kekasih-MU…

Ya Rabb…YANG MAHA MENYAKSIKAN, YANG menyusun tiap-tiap kerangka keadaan…
Kami yakin KAU pilih mereka bukan kami,
Karena mereka umat terbaik di negeri ini, yang berani menegakkan Undang-Undang-MU
Kami yakin KAU pilih mereka bukan kami,
Karena mereka umat tersabar di negeri ini, yang tak pernah lepas diberondong ujian-ujian-MU
Kami sadar KAU pilih mereka bukan kami,
Karena mereka umat terbesar di negeri ini, yang siap menjadi khalifah terbaik sesuai keinginan-MU
Sedang kami ????....pada ENGKAU-lah jawabannya…

Yaa Rabb..SANG PENGUASA BUMI LANGIT, YANG mengomando tiap-tiap baris peristiwa…
Syahidkan mereka, hidangkan syafaat untuknya
Syahidkan mereka, sediakan syurga baginya
Syahidkan mereka, gugurkan dosanya
Syahidkan mereka, angkat derajatnya
Salam kami bagi Rasulullah dan para syuhada…
Salam kami bagi mereka, yang kini sedang asyik menikmati indahnya bercengkerama dan bertandang di KERAJAAN-MU…
SUBHANALLAH…ALLAHU AKBAR.

Eyen @ eyen@divre7.telkom.cd.id
**kutulis tiga hari setelah KAU isyaratkan kami**

Musing

2004-12-28T11:37:00.000+08:00

Drops of gold
on vocal cord
-- your voice

Peek of moonlight
on dark, still lake
-- your face

fire cracking
inside snow covered hut
-- your hand

Grey... in my thoughts...
Phantom... in my mind...

2004-12-23T15:05:00.000+08:00

http://myhero.com/poets/mattienew.asp

the rain kisses the burning earth
mist rises up from every pores
trees yawn and open their eyes
grasses stir and peek out
from under heavy soil

rain comes and cools the earth
-- but no more
the sun steals the coolness
the earth weeps for it
but it wont return

In memory of Mattie Stepanek

2004-12-23T14:33:00.000+08:00

For Our World
We need to stop.
Just stop.
top for a moment
Before anybody
Says or does anything
That may hurt anyone else.
We need to be silent.
Just silent.
Silent for a moment
Before we forever lose
The blessing of songs
That grow in our hearts.
We need to notice.
Just notice.
Notice for a moment
Before the future slips away
Into ashes and dust of humility.
Stop, be silent, and notice
In so many ways, we are the same.
Our differences are unique treasures.
We have, we are, a mosaic of gifts
To nurture, to offer, to accept.
We need to be.
Just be.
Be for a moment
Kind and gentle, innocent and trusting,
Like children and lambs,
Never judging or vengeful
Like the judging and vengeful.
And now, let us pray,
Differently, yet together,
Before there is no earth, no life,
No chance for peace.

Mattie J.T. Stepanek
September 12, 2001
© Hyperion. All Rights Reserved.

Remembe when - Alan Jackson

2004-12-06T14:22:00.000+08:00

Remember when I was young and so were you
and time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when
Remember when we vowed the vows
and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when
Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other's hearts
Remember when
Remember when the sound of little feet
was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give up
Remember when
Remember when thirty seemed old
Now lookn' back it's just a steppin' stone
To where we are,
Where we've been
Said we'd do it all again
Remember when
Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and moved away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad
For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when

The falling leaves

2004-11-29T15:48:00.000+08:00

she stepped out onto the balcony
in a cold, misty morning
wrapped with only a memory
too strong
too beautiful
too painful
she looked up to the sky
looking for that familiar sight
-- a hawk spreading its wing
circling above
sometimes it was so near
she could reach out her hand
and stroke its feather
sometimes it was so far
she could not see it
up there in the vastness of sky

her life
and that of the hawk
entwined in a strange, mystified way
she loved that hawk
and stil love it, she does
but it was so far away
always, always far away

she used to spend her time
sitting on the balcony
by the hillside
or on top of the hill
waiting for the hawk
to come down
and touch her soul
under the old pine
she awaited

at first the hawk would come down
and perch on her shoulder
they would spend many
happy hours
just being together

but soon the hawk must fly
and so she waited again
for a long time
she knew it will come back
and play with her once again

many season had passed
and she still waited
she could see the shadow of her lover
she could feel his strength
but she was tired
and she felt old
years and years passed
naught without signs

like a tree withstanding many storm
her spirit started to leach out
her faith tested
her strength waned -- as any living thing wont
her love shaken

she looked up longingly to heaven
wondering why they are doomed to be apart
and yet bonded in a circle of gold
she knew how tired it must be
-- flying on its wings
and wondered:
" If love is a blessing,
then why we are hurting so much..?"

and so she waited
and waited
whilst people around her
calling and begging her to live

she stood still on the balcony
as falling leaves
danced around her
in a familiar dance of love and pain

The soothness of night

2004-11-26T10:16:00.000+08:00

Peonies flutters, kissed by the soft breeze, as small robins twitter chattily under the eaves. The red sky glares menacingly as the golden sun lowers itself down the horizon. The dark line between heaven and earth bursts with myriad of blended colors: coral, russet, pink, grey... stars spring like oil-lamp lit by invisible hand. Far away, darkness gathers and spreads its vast, an impending doom to swallow the world of light.

night has come.

The Pain of Longing

2004-11-25T11:30:00.000+08:00

The night breeze caress my cold cheek tonight, the starless sky stare into my similarly dark heart as I stood on the hilltop. Light display in the city underneath, though how merry it looks, does nothing to ease this unnamed twinge that twists in a tight coil in my chest. Rather, it illuminate the loneliness that hug me ever since you went away.

Blue moon
gentle wind among the grass
too far from my reach

I hold out my hand towards the sky, and in my mind I see your hand reaches mine. I see our fingers touch and enclose each others. At the first touch, the dam collapse and I can see nothing but miasma created by the flowing of my tears down my cheek. I close my eyes and hold on to your imaginary hand, your ghostly presence, as I sob. My yearning slice my heart like a cuspidate leaf, a spiky spear. I bleed inside with bloodless flow and my aching heart contain these emotion so close, so dear. It is a reminder - of everything that we were before and what we are now. A legacy of an undefined mystery.

Eyes close
Invisible hands touching
under nigrescent sky

I open my eyes. Your apparition smiles at me and slowly let my hand go. It falls limp by my side as I watch your incandescent illusory being floats away and finally vanishes from my sight.

alone
your memory
just fled

**amaya**

Astrology - Pisces personality

2004-11-19T13:49:00.000+08:00

Pisces The Fishes
February 20 to March 20

Positive Aspects:
Imaginative and sensitive
Compassionate and kind
Selfless and unworldly
Intuitive and sympathetic

Negative Aspects:
Escapist and idealistic
Secretive and vague
Weak-willed and easily led

Pisces is one of the less flamboyant signs and its natives are more ordinary than those of, for example, Leo, Scorpio and Aquarius. Pisceans possess a gentle, patient, malleable nature. They have many generous qualities and are friendly, good natured, kind and compassionate, sensitive to the feelings of those around them, and respond with the utmost sympathy and tact to any suffering they encounter.

They are deservedly popular with all kinds of people, partly because their easygoing, affectionate, submissive natures offer no threat or challenge to stronger and more exuberant characters. They accept the people around them and the circumstances in which they find themselves rather than trying to adapt them to suit themselves, and they patiently wait for problems to sort themselves out rather than take the initiative in solving them. They are more readily concerned with the problems of others than with their own.

Their natures tend to be too otherworldly for the practical purposes of living in this world as it is. They exist emotionally rather than rationally, instinctively more than intellectually. Their willpower, ambition they long to be recognized as greatly creative and reasoning are all limited and, however anxious they are to fulfill themselves, their concentration is weak; they lack decisiveness and they are easily diverted from their purposes.

They are apt to live a shiftless sort of life, searching for some career in which they can really find themselves, but being easily discouraged they become despondent, feeling unappreciated and moving on to something or someone else. They also dislike disciple and confinement within routine the nine-to-five life is not for them - and confinement by codes of behavior. Any rebellion they make against convention is personal, however, as they do not have the energy to battle against the Establishment.

Pisceans tend to withdraw into a dream world where their qualities can bring mental satisfaction and sometimes, but by no means inevitably, fame and financial reward for they are gifted artistically. They are also versatile and intuitive, have quick understanding, observe and listen well, and are receptive to new ideas and atmospheres. All these factors can combine to produce remarkable creativity in literature, music and art.

They may count among their gifts mediumistic qualities which can give them a feeling that their best work comes from outside themselves, "Whispered beyond the misted curtains, screening this world from that." Even when they cannot express themselves creatively they have a greater than average instinct for, and love of, beauty in art and nature, a catlike appreciation of luxury and pleasure, and a yearning for new sensations and travel to remote, exotic places.

They are never egotistical in their personal relationships and give more than they ask from their friends. They are sexually delicate, in the extreme almost asexual, and most Pisceans would want a relationship in which the partner's mind and spirit rather than the body resonated with their own. Unfortunately they can be easily misled by a lover who courts them delicately and in marriage makes them unhappy by a coarser sexuality than they expected. They are nevertheless intensely loyal and home-loving and will remain faithful - though their dreamy and impractical natures do not fit them to keep a tidy and well-run house.

In their employment they are better working either by themselves or in subordinate positions. Their talents are individual in a commercial business or similar undertaking they would be afraid to manage more than a small department, worrying always that they would fail in a crisis.
They can make fair secretaries and bookkeepers. Their sympathy equips them for work in charities catering for the needy, as nurses looking after the sick and as veterinary surgeons caring for animals. As librarians or astronomers they can satisfy their mental wanderlust, and their fondness for "faraway places with strange-sounding names" may turn them into sailors or travellers. Many architects and lawyers are Pisceans, and when the creative abilities are combined with gifts of imitation and the ability to enter into the feelings of others, Pisceans find their fulfillment on the stage.

Their psychic and spiritual qualities can lead them into careers in the church or as mediums and mystics. They may find an outlet for their creativity as caterers, and are said to make good detectives because they can imagine themselves in the place of criminals and understand how their minds would work. In technical occupations they are well employed in dealing with anaesthetics, fluids, gases and plastics. Because of their lively versatility and inability to concentrate overmuch on any one project, Pisceans often simultaneously follow more than one occupation.

Their faults are exasperating rather than vicious. They can be oversubtle, oversensitive and overemotional. In business they can be unreliable, idle, careless, impractical and ineffective. Their friends may find their diffidence and sense of their own unimportance irritating and may eventually want to shake off acquaintances who not only lack initiative but are peevish and extravagantly temperamental in their dependence on them. Other faults of which the negative Piscean is accused are fickleness, gossiping, indiscretion, effeminacy and gullibility. They may not be able to avoid being sickly, but their fretting hypochondria can wear out a saint's patience.
They can be intellectually dishonest and also actually fraudulent, deceitful and hypocritical. They are often indecisive in important matters yet will uphold absurdities with the obstinacy of the weak. When they feel themselves rejected, lonely or failures, or simply through feeble self-indulgence, they will find refuge in drugs or the bottle.

Pisces governs the feet, liver and lymphatics, and its subjects can be threatened by anaemia, boils, ulcers and other skin diseases, especially inflammation of the eyelids, gout, inflammation, heavy periods and foot disorders and lameness.

Astrology - Aquarian personality

2004-11-19T13:46:00.000+08:00

Aquarius The Water Bearer
January 21 to February 19

Positive Aspects:
Friendly and humanitarian
Honest and loyal
Original and inventive
Independent and intellectual

Negative Aspects:
Intractable and contrary
Perverse and unpredictable
Unemotional and detached

Aquarians basically possess strong and attractive personalities. They fall into two principle types: one shy, sensitive, gentle and patient; the other exuberant, lively and exhibitionist, sometimes hiding the considerable depths of their character under a cloak of frivolity. Both types are strong willed and forceful in their different ways and have strong convictions, though as they seek truth above all things, they are usually honest enough to change their opinions, however firmly held, if evidence comes to light which persuades them that they have been mistaken.

They have a breadth of vision that brings diverse factors into a whole, and can see both sides of an argument without shilly-shallying as to which side to take. Consequently they are unprejudiced and tolerant of other points of view. This is because they can see the validity of the argument, even if they do not accept it themselves. They obey the Quaker exhortation to "Be open to truth, from whatever source it comes," and are prepared to learn from everyone.
Both types are humane, frank, serious minded, genial, refined, sometimes ethereal, and idealistic, though this last quality is tempered with a sensible practicality. They are quick, active and persevering without being self-assertive, and express themselves with reason, moderation and sometimes, a dry humor.

They are nearly always intelligent, concise, clear and logical. Many are strongly imaginative and physically intuitive, so that the Age of Aquarius, which is about to begin, is much anticipated by psychic circles as an age in which mankind will experience a great spiritual awakening. The Aquarian philosophical and spiritual bent may be dangerous in that it can drive the subjects into an ivory-tower existence where they meditate on abstractions that bear little relevance to life. On the other hand it can help the many who have scientific leanings to combine these with the
Aquarian yearning for the universal recognition of the brotherhood of man, and to embark on scientific research to fulfill their philanthropic ideals of benefiting mankind. When some cause or work of this nature inspires them, they are capable of such devotion to it that they may drive themselves to the point of exhaustion and even risk injuring their health.

Both types need to retire from the world at times and to become temporary loners. They appreciate opportunities for meditation or, if they are religious, of retreats. Even in company they are fiercely independent, refusing to follow the crowd. They dislike interference by others, however helpfully intended, and will accept it only on their own terms. Normally they have good taste in drama, music and art, and are also gifted in the arts, especially drama.

In spite of the often intensely magnetic, forthcoming and open personality of the more extrovert kind of Aquarian, and of their desire to help humanity, neither type makes friends easily. They sometimes appear to condescend to others and take too little trouble to cultivate the acquaintance of people who do not particularly appeal to them.

They do not give themselves easily - perhaps their judgment of human nature is too good for that - and are sometimes accounted cold. But once they decide that someone is worthy of their friendship or love, they can exert an almost hypnotic and irresistible mental attraction on them and will themselves become tenacious friends or lovers, ready to sacrifice everything for their partners and be faithful to them for life. However, they are sometimes disappointed emotionally because their own high personal ideals cause them to demand more of others than is reasonable. And if they are deceived their anger is terrible. If disillusioned, they do not forgive.

Aquarians work best in group projects, provided that they are recognized as having a leading part in them. They have a feeling of unity with nature and a desire for knowledge and truth that makes them admirable scientists, especially astronomers and natural historians.

They may excel in photography, radiography, electronics - anything connected with the electrical and radio industries - aviation and everything technical. On the arts and humanities side their progressive tendencies can be expressed in writing, especially poetry, and broadcasting, or as welfare workers and teachers. Some have gifts as entertainers and make good character actors (having an ability to mimic) and musicians. The more psychic among them possess healing gifts, especially in curing the mentally sick.

Among the faults to which they are liable are fanatical eccentricity, wayward egotism, excessive detachment and an inclination to retreat from life and society, and a tendency to be extremely dogmatic in their opinions. Circumstances - for example, continuous opposition to a cause they hold dear - may cause the atrophy of the openness of mind that is one of the Aquarian's most attractive traits. They may express a lack of integrity in broken promises, secretiveness or cunning. Simmering anger and resentment, rudeness or, worse, a tense, threatening silence which may suddenly burst out in eruptions of extreme temper, these are all part of the negative side of the Aquarian. This can also reveal itself in a sustained hatred for enemies that is capable of enlarging itself into a misanthropy toward the whole of mankind.

As Aquarius is said to govern the legs from knees to ankles and the circulation of blood, its natives are susceptible to ailments particularly in the legs and ankles, such as cramps, and are also liable to spasmodic and nervous complaints, as well as wind, catarrh, diarrhea, dropsy, goiter and delirium tremens - so that the avoidance of alcohol is important for those Aquarians who have a taste for it.

Echo of night rain

2004-11-19T10:15:00.000+08:00

Late at night
when strangely all night creatures fled
I heard the sky weeping
and it tears spattered on the tin roof
As I lied on my bed
I listened to the noisome whisper
the night breeze brought news from afar
Though I was still on my bed
I was sure the sky was pitch black
As dark as my soul at that moment
The sound of the rain
and the sigh of the night breeze
like an echo of my heart
that bespoke of longings and memories
of what could have been
of what should have been

and I
amidst the sound of the night
drown in the echo of the night rain

*** hibiki amaya ***

Langit itu masih mengejar ku

2004-11-19T10:05:00.000+08:00

Aku berlari
tanpa menoleh ke belakang
namun langit biru dan awan kelabu
masih mengekori langkah ku

Aku berlindung
di bawah dedaunan rimbun
pohon willow
ku tidak nampak mereka
-- langit biru dan awan kelabu
namun ku tahu
mereka ada di atas

Aku berdiri di tengah hijauan
padang ragut di kaki gunung
lantas aku menjerit pada
langit biru dan awan kelabu
-- Mengapa??!!!
Mengapa harus kau membontoti langkahku ini??!!!!
Tidak bisakah kau tinggalkan aku sendiri??!!!
Makanya harus aku berlari dan berlindung
dari matamu??!!!
Tidak bisakah aku hidup dala
gelapnya ingatanku??!!

Langit biru dan awan kelabu
tidak berkata apa-apa
namun mereka masih menaungiku
Betapa aku membutuhkan
gelapnya malam
bagai baldu yang tersulam intan berlian
Bukankah hidupku
hakku?
Salahkah kiranya aku enggan
menari di bawah birunya langit?

Tinggalkan aku, wahai langit
Lupakan aku, wahai awan kelabu

Biarkan aku tinggal di dalam
gelap pekatnya ingatan ku pada
dirinya yang hilang di kaki langit

*** Amaya ***

Haiku #3

2004-11-19T05:51:00.000+08:00

Scattered desk, spilt ink
--- I passed your desk
heat on your telephone still lingers
your dinners growing cold

no one look
into this worn page, but I
this cold starless night

dark night of soul
embryonic state of silence
I, alone, in this room

Rain on the rooftop
Pattering noisome
My heartbeat echoed similarly

***the feeling of loneliness and longing for a dearest one motivated me to create these haiku... simple words for very deep emotions**

Haiku #2

2004-11-19T05:31:00.000+08:00

In the capricious sky
My eyes smothered by
The bluest ocean that floats

My feelings floats
A river to an unknown land
Mist saturated valley, a mournful scene

Sunflower field
--- little yellow sun fallen on the ground
Reflected in my son’s eyes

Reclusive – ancient mystery cloaked
Elevated and mighty
Most-infested pine forest

*** nature has its way with me. these haiku were written when nature and i are one***

Haiku #1

2004-11-19T04:07:00.000+08:00

Fleeting dreams in your teardrops Wishing for peace and love
A summer grace A haunting dream

Outside rain and wind mix The song of cold heart resound
Inside the heat dies The dreams of lonesome nights

Snowflakes falls in cottony swirl Frozen window frost shrouded
Inside the closet warmth seeps out My jacket hangs beside your empty peg

** my new found love in Haiku. written when the soul is tormented and spirit is restless, and the haunting thoughts of one so dear threatened in its painful grip**

Silent song

2004-11-19T04:04:00.000+08:00

Breath in
Breath out
-- Sing!
Don't say a word
Just sing

Can you hear it, aikouka?
The beauty of my song
Weaved in the valley of the dream
Hymned by the high priestess

Close your eyes
Listen
The heartbeat of mine and yours
The slow, shallow breathing of ours
The whisper of the breeze
-- rushing among the leaves
-- blowing on the water surface
-- sighing on the grass
The chirping of birds outside

My song

** hibiki **

Between words and silences

2004-11-18T12:40:00.000+08:00

Between words and silences
There are conversations relayed
There are love signals
There are yearnings and longings
When the roses shriveled in the dewy night

Between words and silences
There are messages conveyed
There are wantings and needs
The soundless wishes
Echoed from deep within
There are dreams of
A young child with wistful eyes

Between words and silences
There are untold stories
Of old memories
Tales of the forgotten
There are droplets of tears
On the cheeks of a lonely little girl
There are hopes, despair, anger and joy
Of life here and hereafter

Between words and silences
There are you and I

The valley

2004-11-18T11:45:00.000+08:00

the wind blows on my face
as i stand here
perch on a hillside
under an old gnarled oak
watching the valley
-- my valley

the horizon
blue earth and azure sky kiss
alive within the green of my dream
where my valley lies

breeze frolicks among
cherry blossoms in early spring
falls on my face as the scent of my valley
hugs me
loves me
i breath
i live

my valley
-- the valley of my dream

** hibiki**

Happy Lusty Raya

2004-11-16T08:23:00.000+08:00

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Hari Raya
Selamat Hari Raya to all.It's a day where once in a year people will get together, eat cookies, catch up with friends, compare duit raya, show off the latest fashion and then, ask forgiveness from one another. The last aspect of hari raya is the least respected by me. why choose o nly hari raya to ask for forgiveness and be nice to everyone, when in less than 2 minutes (maybe lesser.. faster than you can say: ' i forgive you', maybe?)? such hypocracy. i do not subscribe to this. i never say sorry during hari raya, cos i say that every day all year long, which is more meaningful to me.so, sue me.. hari raya is not about forgiveness and all those shit. Its the day where everyone engage in the indulgance of their nafsu/lust. just watch the open houses and you know what i mean..

Courage

2004-11-13T01:32:00.000+08:00

It is not he critic who counts;

not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled

or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,

whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;

who strives valiantly;

who errs and comes short again and again;

who knows great enthusiasms,

the great devotions;

who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best,

knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,

and who, at the worst, if he fails,

at least fails while DARING GREATLY

so that his place shall never be

with those timid soulswho know neither victory or defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt

Wish to wish

2004-11-10T16:29:00.000+08:00

Kirara
words by Kawamura Ryuichi

Omo i wo kirara no nagare ni
Anata ni tsutaetakute
Zutto kanjite iru
Muneni afureteru

My feelings, in the flow of shining lights
I'd like to tell them to you
I'll always be feeling them
They're overflowing in my heart

Kikasete doko made tsuzuku no
Kikasete nani wo matsu no
Nani wo hakonde yuku
Doko ka sabishige ni

Tell me, how far you plan to continue?
Tell me, what are you waiting for?
What are you carrying with you?
Towards some sadness somewhere

Nee dakishimete tsukamaete
Hontou no watashi wo
Kawa no nagare wa anata e no
Tomadoi wo tokasu no

Embrace me, hold onto me
The real me
The flowing of the river towards you
Will it melt your doubts?

Zutto furuete iru
Zutto zutto yasashisa ni

It's always increasing
Always, always, in your kindness

Nee dakishimete tsukamaete
Kizutsuita watashi wo
Kagerou no you ni shunkan wo
Kirakira to tobeta nara
Nee dakishimete kowaresou na
Hontou no watashi wo
Kawa no nagare wa anata e no
Kono omoi wo nosete

Embrace me, hold onto me
The wounded me
If, just like a haze of heat, this moment
Started to shimmer and flew away
Embrace me, onto the fragile
The real me
The flowing of the river towards you
I'll lay my feelings in it

-- there is something about Japanese lyrics (Jpop, anime, games, etc) that somehow tug that invisible cord in my heart. The way they depict their feelings, like the song above, is done in such a way that anyone who read it could relate it to themselves (even if they had never feel that feeling). And being a nature aficionado, I cannot help but feel connected to these lyrics by their nature-inclined symbolising of feeling. When I feel something I just close my eyes and listen to my surrounding. Listen to what the wind is saying. Listen to what the earth is trying to tell me. Feeling the spirit of earth envelope me in its loving embrace. And letting the tears flow down my cheek - an outlet to whatever feeling i had.

** sigh....**

Visit from the future

2004-11-10T12:25:00.000+08:00

Do you realized that sometimes we experienced de-ja-vu out of the sudden? We could be talking with someone and then suddenly your mind said "she's gonna say this and this" and sure enough, it happened. Strange isn't it? Some say it is a premonition but the funny thing is we couldn't change what is going to happen even when that sense of de-ja-vu is so strong that you can actually visualize it.Today, my inner radar picked up bad vibration from my boss. From the frown on his face, the way he scrutinized the opening speech i've prepared for him, the pout of his dry, chapped lips - those are signs he is not happy with something. Sure enough, he sent me an email and asked me to redo the whole speech and he also wanted me to sit for him in a meeting for an excursion to Riau. Not only sit for him but also do presentation on our office for the viewing of those Riau's academias and business comunity. Two meetings, mind you - one in the head office and another with VC. All need to be ready before 23.Another assignment from my boss - prepare his ASC presentation for Selayang Hospital in Malay! He wants it before 23. And it's raya next Sunday!!! These people are killing me!!!Another workload!!!! Prepare Food and Hotel Malaysia 2005 programme for MARA before 23!!! ARRRGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.... I need to calm down, I need to recall the vision of peaceful reflection of mountains on a calm, deep, still lake... breath in.. breath out... breath in..... breath out...Still, deep lake hidesViolent current underneathSilent, snarling beast in me

New day

2004-11-09T13:26:00.000+08:00

Its raining outside. Like yesterday. The sky groaned under the heavy masses of dark black clouds. Alone in my office, I stare up to the ceilings and try to count the tiny holes scattered all over it. Outside, I can hear Linda talks with Aly. I am a curious person, normally I would go up and see whats up (or down.. depends..). Not today. Inside my office, I feels like I am in another universe. An arcane space. Their voices recedes as I delve deeper into my being, my own rudimentary solitude (which can be ruptured quite easily by those annoying things called telephone and by those irritating people called clients!). You see, I am in a pedantic mood, as I floated along the humdrum of my life in my office. How life can be so unexplainable (duh!!!), so esoteric, so baffling, so strangely diffused with a kaleidoscope of joy and sorrow, harmoniously blended in an ever lasting flow, like a river with no end.. at least that is how ones feel when one is in a sampan, floating on the river towards unknown destiny.. not to say that I don't know where I am going or where I want to be... it is just.. sometimes I feel so tired, mortally, emotionally and mentally exhausted... that my vision blurred by some strange emotion that dreams of tears and sorrow...oh heck! I am being pathetic. I am going home and probably drown myself with the load of work at home... or I can just stand in the rain and probably let the rain wash my restlessness away, purify my stale mind and refresh my heavy heart.... hmm.. I might do that...